Written on November 19, 2016

This time last year, I was completely broken. I had just lost a love that I believed was endless. Even while still with him, the flames had long since died, and I knew there was no love left. I watched the person I thought was meant for me move on to love someone new and treat me so badly, in a very abusive and toxic relationship. I had no one to talk to. I had no one to turn to.

Too many people were telling me to get over it, and not enough were even trying to understand the position I was in. Everyone thought I was as strong as I used to be, or at least as strong as I thought I was. I became more and more of an introvert. I stayed to myself, battled my own thoughts, and let nothing out. My heart wasn’t ready for any form of abandonment. I was lost, far from my family and close friends, with no idea what to do. I had no ambition to do anything more than the bare minimum, even if I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was weak.

But what I remember the most was one night, getting super faded and hopping in the shower. I was on the tub’s floor, crying my heart out. I kept asking, “Why, Universe? Why me?” I thought I was a victim, being played with, punished. But then, I became angry. So angry that almost immediately, my life changed. After half an hour of tears, I completely shut down and had an out-of-body experience. I looked at myself from the outside in and said, “What the fuck are you crying for?” Followed with, “You thought this shit would be easy?” And everything changed.

I got out of the shower, looked myself in the mirror, and prayed. My entire tone changed, from “Why are you doing this to me?” to “I get it now. I may not know or see the reasoning behind everything, but I’m trusting.” That night, I washed away all the sorrow, all the pity, all the doubt, and all the fear every bone in me could carry. That night, I won the biggest battle ever thrown at me, and I kept on. Day by day, I got stronger. I forced myself to become wiser. I kept busy at all hours, trying to do almost anything to keep from allowing myself to wander back to that broken state of mind.

I read book after book as I used to do. I fell in love with characters. I fell in love with my physical self, with my essence. Then, I set goals. I became hungry. Hungry for change. Hungry for growth. I became eager to feel love from within. I wanted nothing more than to love myself more than anyone could ever love me, and more than I could ever love anyone in return. I started writing more and more, pouring all my feelings onto paper.

In the process, and in the midst of everything, I became so lost in my journey that heartbreak became a distant memory. I forgot what hurt felt like. I forgot what it felt like to feel anyone or anything deeply. Then I remembered. I remembered that night I asked the Universe, “Why me?” And the deepest chills ran through my body. Although it took months for me to receive any sort of response, when I did, I was ready and willing to take it in and understand it.

Why me? Because I have the power of tongue, the power of writing. I have the power of vulnerability. I have the power to act so transparently that people forget I’m human too. Everyone forgets I’m normal, even though I may look crazy. ‘Me,’ because I lived my life asking the Universe to “use” me. I spoke these words. I asked the Universe for a purpose, and I asked that in fulfilling that purpose it stands by me. Its energy walks with me and through me.

So here I am. In love. Happier and stronger than I have ever been. Spiritually balanced. Emotionally ready and open for any and everything. Releasing “I love my love” was never meant to be the breakthrough of my career. All I wanted was to tell my stories, by doing what I started first—writing spoken word. Writing how I felt and feel this amazing life inside of me. Telling stories about the heartaches I have endured; how tough life can be. The shit that I have seen, letting people know that my background is not peaches and cream. I come from a challenging situation since I was a baby, but I look at where it brought me, seriously, I look at where life brought me and where it will take me. I heal hearts with stories. I want to ease minds. I want to inspire all those who surround me. I want to live out my dreams. No more negative mentality, mediocre loves. No more cruel bosses. No more empty relationships that have never filled my soul. 🙏🏾❤️

©️ Beatriz Esmer